The Care and Loving of a SuperSize Friend

You have so much in common with and love spending time with your friend, Charlene. The two of you read the same books, share a hobby, laugh at the same things, maybe even work together. But every time you suggest the two of you go out to dinner and a movie at the mall, she declines. Maybe Charlene really does need to wash her hair and feed the goldfish - or maybe there are concerns she faces and just doesn't know how to share them with you.

It can difficult for a "normal"-sized individual to fully understand just what it is like to live in a body that is considerably larger. Looking different is a relatively small aspect of the daily life of a person who confronts size issues. The bigger the body, the more likely there are to be limitations and complicated situations in what seem, on the surface, to be the simplest activities. Here are just a few possibilities.

    Your car's interior may not have enough passenger space to accommodate her comfortably and safely. Will the seatbelt even fit?
    The walk from a parking space to your destination may be too difficult for her. What seems like an easy distance to you may be quite difficult for her.
    Waiting in line at a restaurant to be seated may be very uncomfortable for Charlene.
    Getting to the table may involve having to pass through crowded spaces that she just can't go through without bumping into others.
    Seating at the restaurant may be inadequate. This is especially true of places that have booths or those horrid little molded plastic seats. Or chairs often have arms spaced too close together. If she can squeeze into the seat, she may still suffer cramps and bruising on her hips and thighs. Many chairs are just not sturdy and sometimes wobble even for smaller people.

Beyond physical barriers is the potential for being confronted with others staring and / or making rude comments. It is amazing how many people feel they have a right to stare at a fat person who is eating or comment in a loud voice about what they are having for dinner. Charlene likely will eat no more than anyone else present, will have good manners, and will be a perfectly pleasant companion. But she knows from experience that a nasty remark can pop out of someone's mouth at any time, embarrassing her in front of you and everyone else in earshot.

An example, consider this situation.

     My 16-year-old daughter and I were dining at a very nice restaurant one summer evening. We were enjoying the beautiful sunset over the ocean and deciding what to order when an elderly woman at the next table said in a loud voice, 'Look at how fat she is. That's disgusting!'
    People at tables all around us looked at the woman, then followed her gaze to me. I looked back at the woman; she looked down at her plate. Her husband shifted uncomfortably. Normally I would have confronted the rude woman, but we had come here to enjoy a pleasant evening, so I decided not to make a scene and to just ignore the her.
    "'We had better hurry up and order," the old woman said loudly. "That fat thing is going to clean out the kitchen."
    Before I could react, my daughter was out of her chair and standing next to the hateful woman. "You owe my mother an apology," she said softly but firmly. My daughter waited a moment, then repeated her request. The woman did not apologize, instead mumbling as she lowered her face. The husband murmured something about his wife being hard of hearing so she talked too loudly - as if the loudness of her voice was the problem.
    My daughter told the woman that she had been rude and mean, then returned to her seat. People seated at two nearby tables applauded. One man congratulated her for standing up for her mother and said he was appalled at what the woman had said. HE apologized. The old woman never did.

Movie theaters offer more of the same problems for Charlene. Long distances to walk, lines to stand in, tiny seats in narrow rows, pain from the arms on the chairs, the feeling of being perched on the edge of the seat for two or more hours, grumblings from the people seated nearby, and the stares when she has popcorn and a drink. Stairs, even small ones, can be an obstacle. Is it any wonder staying home to wash her hair is more appealing?

The potential for these problems - and more - exist constantly in the lives of many fat people. Our culture - from transportation to seating to stairs to clothing to attitude - is designed for the average-sized person. The more the variation from the norm, the more likely there will be problems.

Virtually anywhere your friend goes presents the potential for uncomfortable situations. This can even be true of visiting your home. Heck, it may even be true in her own home. Living with limitations doesn't mean you have figured out the answers. It just means you have to deal with things as best you can. Unfortunately too many people find it far easier to "deal" by avoiding going anywhere. Quite frankly, sometimes that is the only option.

Which brings us back to what you, as a friend, can do to help.

Discuss these issues with your friend. If she is uncomfortable about discussing her problems, you may need to take the initiative and attempt to anticipate just where her concerns might lie. Communication, compassion, and understanding are key.

    When planning an outing, call ahead to your destination and ask about seating. Better yet, check it out in advance if you can.
    When going to an event that requires tickets, try to purchase them in advance to avoid lines.
    If the only available parking is too far away, drop your friend off at the door (check for available seating while she waits for you), then park.
    Be ready with the blistering stare for anyone who is rude and make sure your friend knows you are proud to be with her.

A bit of open communication and advance planning should pave the way to lots of enjoyable outings together.